Dear Pastor - Why I Am A Mother Who Doesn't Want To Hear A 'Mother's Day' Sermon

~ by Susan Stilley

I still remember a particular Mother's Day Sunday when I was twenty-five and single.  I attended a small church and after the sermon, the pastor asked all the mothers in the congregation to come forward to be recognized and receive a long stemmed rose.  Pictures were taken.  There was one other non-mother sitting in the audience, Brenda, who was also a mid-twenties single.  As the mothers and grandmothers posed for cameras up front, the pastor happened to glance toward the audience and noticed Brenda and I sitting there.  He looked troubled, furrowing his brow and you could almost see the wheels turning.  He turned toward the vase of remaining roses and apparently, inspiration struck.

"Okay folks," the pastor announced.  "Now I want all of our FUTURE mothers to come forward!"

He motioned for Brenda and I to come to the front.  She and I gave each other a "Wow, could this be any more awkward?", kind of look but we knew we were stuck and so, we hesitantly trudged up the aisle. We smiled, somewhat sheepishly,  for our 'Future Mother' photos.  Our pastor beamed, pleased with himself that his quick thinking helped to avoid a ministerial/social faux pas.  The wicked part of me wondered what would have happened if I had declined the photo op and said, "Well...you see...I am unable to have children."  I would have waited a full ten seconds for the news to sink in before letting on, "Ah, just messin' with ya!"

Of course I wouldn't have done that.  Pastor was a real peach and he did mean well.  But the whole awkward scenario does beg some questions. What if I really was infertile?  How would trooping me forward have made me feel?  How did the pastor 'know' that either Brenda or I would even get married, let alone become mothers one day?  He didn't.  At that time I didn't have a boyfriend and no one was on the horizon.  Brenda had just recently broken up with someone.  Neither of us were emotionally hurt by this incident.  We laughed at the weirdness of it all and our 'Future Mother' status became a bit of an inside, running joke.

If this scene had played out for different women in different circumstances, they wouldn't have been laughing. In fact over the years as I have moved across multiple states and found myself sitting in various churches on Mother's Day, I have often cringed at displays of attention toward mothers that have probably caused more harm than good.  At one church where I visited, the pastor asked for all the new mothers that year to stand up.  Then he asked for mothers with one to three children to stand up. Then four to six children.  Finally, he asked those mothers with more than six children to stand up.  While everyone clapped I felt sort of sick inside, knowing that there were probably many women in the audience who had lost children in death due to accident, illness, violence, or miscarriage.  In what number category were these moms supposed to place themselves?  What was surely intended as a creative way to recognize mothers, inadvertently became for some, a poignant reminder of infertility and for others, a morbid tally of dead children, be it the infant daughter who never made it home from the hospital or the nineteen year old son who never made it home from Iraq.

Is it any wonder that some women just can't bring themselves to attend services on this day?  Not just a few, but many.  Any factor that would cause a sister in Christ to feel that she would be emotionally hurt by being in the Lord's house on ANY day of the year, is something we should take seriously.  We are called to 'build one another up' and yet so many women have experienced feeling torn down on this particular day.  Others are dealing with disappointments and griefs that are still fresh, and there is genuine hesitance about exposing themselves to messages that have the capacity to open those wounds.

Pastor, I know your job can be difficult.  I know lots of people have opinions on what should be the content of your sermons, the style of delivery, and even it's length.  I don't wish to come across as 'that guy' (or in my case, that gal).  But I do want to share my concerns and give you some encouragement concerning the upcoming 'Mother's Day' Sunday.

Gimme Jesus - Not Walt Whitman

The idea of honoring mothers is certainly a biblical one, rooted in the fifth commandment, reinforced in Proverbs and elsewhere.  Both Old and New Testaments are ripe with examples of godly mothers and so it is natural to turn to such for sermon material.  Yet I have often heard sermons miss the mark because they spend more focus on the women and their particular roles than on God who made their lives meaningful. We admire Hannah but we musn't divert our attention from the One in whom she placed all her hopes for herself and her child.  We are encouraged by the close bond of Naomi and Ruth but we must not ignore the Kinsman Redeemer.  We should give honor to Jesus' mother, Mary.  She was indeed blessed among women, yet she also recognized her own need for salvation as she sang, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior."  (Luke 1:46,47)

Also missing the mark are sermons which rely too heavily on motherhood poems, quotes, and

anecdotal stories.  These can have a place in small measures but they should not dominate.  When I was filled with sadness over a miscarriage, I needed the words of Christ, not Walt Whitman.  When I was in mourning over the death of my own mother, I needed the words of the Apostle Paul, not those of Abraham Lincoln or George Washington.  Right now I am at a joyful stage.  I have six children ranging in age from fifteen to three and my fridge is festooned with handmade Mother's Day cards.  Life is humming along on a pretty even keel and do you know what I need now?  Not poems by Dickenson, Rosetti, Stevenson, Poe, Yeats, Angelou, Strand, or Wordsworth.  On a Mother's Day Sunday sermon, I need the songs of King David which declares, "To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens!  Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master."  (Psalm 123:1,2)

Mothers Need The Gospel Too

Articulating a clear cut explanation of the Fall, the atonement, and how the resurrection of Christ impacts our individual standing before God, used to be standard fare in evangelical churches.  As 'seeker sensitive' messages increased, vigorous teaching of doctrine began to wane. This trend has affected even solid churches, particularly on Mother's Day, as was the experience of my friend,  Janet.   

When I had lunch with Janet she was hoppin' mad.  She had invited her parents to have Sunday dinner at her home on Mother's Day.  Much to Janet's surprise, her mother agreed that they would also come with Janet and her husband to the 11:00 am worship service, something they had never done before.  Janet's family didn't 'do church' when she was growing up and they approached life from a basic secular worldview.  Janet had some rebellious teen years followed by some partying college years.  She turned to the Lord and became a Christian at age 23. 

She tried to share her newfound faith but was met with skepticism.  Her father, an ACLU attorney, even tried to talk her out of it.  Not yet confident enough in her own knowledge of Scripture and with no familiarity of Christian apologetics, Janet felt ill equipped to counter her father's argumentation. Her mother, ever the peacemaker, suggested they stop all this 'religious talk' and eat some pie. 

Fast forward a decade.  Janet is elated that her parents will actually attend church.  After several years of strained conversations about Jesus Christ, she is excited at the prospect that her parents will hear the gospel.  Her pastor is an excellent Bible teacher and she is confident the Holy Spirit will use him to persuade her parents of the truth.

Such was not the case.  When it came to teaching the reality of who Christ is, her pastor punted.  Instead, he extolled the virtues of the Proverbs 31 woman to the point that he actually confused the message, giving the impression to Janet's mother that motherhood itself put women in a right relationship with God.  She had no challenging reflection of her own spiritual state as outlined in Romans, the fact that "the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  The 'good news' that Janet's mother heard was that God approved of the Proverbs 31 woman, particularly because of her industriousness.  Because Janet's mother was also an industrious, devoted mother, God must surely approve of her too.
 
Keeping Things Running

While there might very well be traditional expectations about a Mother's Day sermon and what it should entail, I think it is useful to consider the audience.   You basically have three categories.  Women who find the emphasis on motherhood emotionally painful due to their own losses or feelings of emptiness.  Women (and men)  who are unregenerate and need to hear the gospel of God's grace.  Women who celebrate Mother's Day wholeheartedly, either as mothers themselves or as women who celebrate the ladies and mothers in their life.

Please don't craft a sermon solely for the benefit of the third group at the expense of the first two.  Those of us in the third group will be just fine.  Sure it's nice to get a little 'back up' from the pastor, a reminder to the kiddos that they should take time to appreciate us.  Perhaps step up the chores they've grown slack about.   Maybe even "arise and call me blessed" when most of the time they arise to ask what's for breakfast.

But we know there are bigger issues at stake.  This situation brings to mind one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, 'The Rookie'.  Dennis Quaid plays Jim Morris, a high school science teacher and baseball coach from west Texas.  Though he is 40 and twice the age of most rookies, his 98 mph fastball gets the attention of scouts and he is given his big break in the major leagues.

As Jim talks on the phone with his wife, Lori, he expresses concern about her staying behind to deal with the house, a stack of bills and caring for their young children by herself while he travels with the team.  She replies,  "Jim Morris, I'm a Texas woman, which means I don't need the help of a man to keep things running."

In the context of the story, what Lori is conveying  is that she appreciates Jim and understands what a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this is.  She knew there were big issues at stake - the chance for Jim to follow his dream as well as the example of perseverance set for their young, baseball enthusiast son.  Those matters far outrank the temporal frustrations of leaky faucets and juggling carpools.  She was letting Jim know he could count on her to keep things running while he takes his shot.

Likewise, mothers are a pretty sturdy lot.  We are used to sacrifice, whether we are giving up a  night's sleep for sick babies or giving up our plate of french fries for a ten year old who has eaten three hot dogs but is still  hungry.

For those of us who are believers, we are glad to give up listening to a Mother's Day sermon for the sake of our sisters in Christ who are hurting in mind and spirit.  We are certainly willing to give it up if it means the saving knowledge of our Lord can be preached more effectively.  Lots of visitors come to church on Mother's Day that do not normally attend..  There might very well be eternal consequences at stake.  Pastor,  may you feel free to craft the message that the Holy Spirit gives you for this day and may you deliver the truth in boldness and in love.  Know that we are in the background 'keeping things running' via our prayers.